Damn your moodswings
by foreverbadatwriting
Summary: Tegan and Sara. Quincest. It's slow to start but it will eventually become M.
1. Prologue

Prologue- Damn your mood swings

I managed to kick open the door still supporting Tegan in my arms. She was so intoxicated; I don't think she even knew where she was anymore. Damn high school parties. They're never any fun; well, at least to me anyway. Tegan seemed to enjoy them. But then again, she spent her time getting wasted and throwing herself around. It made me feel old. I sort of just wanted to go home and read. Gigs were always fun though. Tegan and I would always come out covered in at least 10 other people's sweat and we would smell like a brewery. Although right now, Tegan was the only one of us that smelt like strong alcohol. Her clothes were damp so someone must've thrown something over her at one time or another. I couldn't pick up the smell but at least it wasn't warm.

I'm so glad mom wasn't home that night. I made so much noise just trying to drag Tegan up the stairs… then we would've been busted for sure. I tugged her into my room and set her down on the bed. I couldn't leave her like this. Cold, wet and smashed out of her mind. I pulled off her shirt over her head. Then I just had to remove her converse to get her pants off- really should've done that first. Trying to get her to stand up again was the hard part. I had to support her entire weight and peel her out of a sticky pair of jeans. Once main items of clothing were removed, I folded them and put them in the laundry basket before returning to my sister.

I couldn't ask her to take off her underwear, so I pretty much decided to do it as decently as possible. I grabbed a tatted Smashing Pumpkins shirt from out my closet and slid it on to her body. Once on, I unhooked her bra through her shirt and pulled it out through one of the sleeves. Now for the underwear. I couldn't bring myself to let her use anything of mine so I went to her room momentarily and quickly obtained a pair of boxers. Tegan preferred boxers but I guess I just ended up like your average female. The shirt was pretty long anyway so it wasn't too hard. I just had to talk her through the difficult bits. I didn't want to touch her crotch by accident. Even though she was drunk and would more than likely forget it, I knew that I certainly wouldn't. Still, for precautionary measures, I found a pair of shorts which I swiftly pulled onto her. Once dressed and dry, I tied back her long, damp hair and set her down in my bed.

As soon as she settled down, she just sprawled out and took up all the space. I tried to push her to one side but eventually came to terms with the fact that there was no way of getting into my bed that night. Exhausted and weak, I grabbed the sleeping bag and pillow I saved for sleepovers out of the bottom of my closet and made myself a small area in which to sleep on the warm carpet. Letting my head sink into the pillow, it suddenly occurred to me; Tegan was naked under my Smashing Pumpkins shirt… I would have to wash that in the morning. "The things I do for you." I whispered as she snored lightly in the darkness.

* * *

I awoke gently and rubbed my eyes, adjusting to the light. Surprisingly, I wasn't in much pain where I usually am if I sleep on the floor. I sat up and stretched before sitting back against the wall. Tegan was still asleep. I looked at the clock. 10:00 Am. It would be at least another 2 hours before she woke up. I quietly got up and left the room. After cleaning my teeth and brushing my hair, I returned to tidy up my sleeping bag and then left the room once more. Now what to do. I couldn't practice. It was too cold outside and I would certainly wake her up. Guitars weren't allowed until after 4:00pm. Seeing this as an opportunity, I thought I'd look around in her room. I was never allowed in Tegan's room and I was always curious as to what was inside. I also liked that her walls were purple. I poked my head around the door and crept inside. It wasn't all that exciting really. Her room was a lot messier than mine and all her clothes were scattered carelessly on the floor. She had better comic books than me though. There are only so many novels you can read in one summer. I wasn't ready to be a junior but saying that, it was one step closer to getting out of high-school which as a plus.

I must've spent an hour in her room just looking around, examining the Korn posters on her walls. I heard groaning coming from across the hall so I quickly went out and made it look as if I hadn't gone in there. I padded back into my room to find her sat up in bed. She looked grim. "Hey Tegan," I whispered sitting next to her. She looked dazed and a little out of place. I soothed a couple of stray strands of hair out her eyes before she batted my hand away. "Why am I in your room?" She frowned and sounded a little angry. I sighed. She never understood. "You were so drunk; I didn't want to leave you in case you choked on your own vomit or something." She frowned again but looked more puzzled. She didn't say anything for a while but soon sprang up out of bed. "Whatever. I need some fucking aspirin." And that was that. Now that she had gone, I striped my bed and put the stuff in the washer. I'd have to see Tegan about my shirt later. After putting on fresh sheets, I lay down and curled up in bed. It was nice to be home.

Suddenly, I snapped back into reality with the sound of shouting. Tegan's voice was dominant against mom's screeches. When this happened, I usually stayed out of it. Their arguments had a tendency to be pretty heated and many household items were broken in the process. After a symphony of slamming doors, the argument subsided and quiet crept back into the house. There was chance the fight still wasn't over but it was better not to get involved. I wondered what it was about… although the likeliness of the situation was that mom had discovered that half the alcohol from the cupboard was missing. I sat up in bed and tucked my hair behind my ears. Realising that I probably wouldn't get back to sleep, I figured I'd make my bed. I got dressed, did a little light reading and even wrote down a couple of lyrics. But I couldn't escape from the growing feeling of boredom building in my gut. I lay down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I really hated it when there was nothing to do.

My door swung open and I immediately sat up, startled. It was Tegan. She threw my shirt and shorts hard at my face. "There's your shit," she said before turning to leave. "No wait, Tegan." I stuttered. She turned back to face me with a furrowed brow. I motioned her to sit next to me. Unexpectedly, she did. She hardly ever did anything I asked her to. "What was that argument with mom about?" She started to giggle "Oh, that. It was nothing. You know what she's like." I smiled awkwardly to make it seem like I agreed. I didn't want to get on the wrong side of Tegan. "Was that it?" There was no emotion in her voice. Sometimes, it was really hard to place her. "I'm bored… want to do something?" I was sincerely hoping she'd stay. I was _that_ bored. "Well… mom's going out with her boyfriend again tonight so… we can hang out then." Without saying anything else, she got up and left the room and I found myself not feeling so jaded anymore.

"Bye girls!" The front door slammed shut and moments after, Tegan waltzed into my room. "So, what do you want to do Sasa?" She jumped onto my bed with a wide smile on her face. Sometimes, I wondered if she was bipolar, her mood swings could be so extreme. "I- I don't know." I looked at her practically begging for her to pick something for us to do. I hated the thought of imposing something upon her. "Let's break into mom's beer stash." Her face lit up. I stared at her blankly for about a minute, "won't you get into trouble?" "Who gives a fuck? I like a challenge. Besides, it's Quebec beer" She gave me a nudge, smirked and ran out my room. I followed. I felt adrenaline course through my veins as we raided the kitchen cupboard. Sneaking the stash back into my room, we weren't hasty on breaking into it.

It was nice spending time with her. Yes, we were getting more and more drunk with every minute but it was still fun. We hardly ever did anything together anymore. Tegan was always pretty distant with me. And where I was usually really anxious when talking, that went away with the growing amounts of liquor in my body. The last thing I remember was getting into a heated game to Super Mario Kart. Then I blacked out.

* * *

Straining my eyes, I re-entered consciousness. I sharp pain in my head indicated a hang over. Great. I stretched a little before noticing a hand delicately resting on my hip. Tegan. I froze. We never touched each other; with acceptations of drunken Tegan and the occasional hug but that was about it. I felt awkward. Even though we were sisters, I didn't understand why it bothered me so much. It was all I could think about. I didn't want to move because I didn't want to wake her up. I tried moving my hips a little but she wouldn't budge. Everything inside me hoped that she wouldn't suddenly shift in her sleep and accidentally move her hand someplace else. I did my best to slide off the bed without disrupting her. It took about 10 minutes to actually get off but it proved useful. She didn't even stir.

After escaping from my bedroom, I slipped on a pair on sneakers and headed out into the backyard. At the back, there were these big trees that I felt acted as a shield. I often came here to read but today, I just wanted to get away. I was scared. Why was I so hung up on Tegan touching my hip? I was cold without my parker but on this occasion, I didn't really mind. I had a million different thoughts merging together in my head all at once. I just wanted to silence myself and shut out the rest of the world.

"Hey." I jumped at the sound of a familiar voice behind me. "I woke up and you weren't there so I figured you'd be here. How long have you been out here?" I just stared in front, not daring to look at her. "I don't know," my voice was hushed but I'm fairly certain she heard me. "Hang over huh?" She joked. I nodded but still didn't meet her gaze. Acting like an ignorant brat was my strong suit. "Are you not cold?" I didn't answer that one. Truth was, I was freezing but I was trying my best to hide my shivers. Even in the summer, Calgary never failed to be cold. As soon as I reached age, I planned to move to someplace else. Getting away seemed like a good idea.

"So… school?" She was trying anything now. "Really, Tegan? We're going to talk about school?" I finally met her eyes. "She speaks," She smiled lightly "I only mentioned it because we start again in a few weeks." I chuckled "I don't remind me." I could tell Tegan felt awkward. I looked out in front again. She was lost for things to say but I decided not to aid her on this. My arrogance was unexplained but I didn't exactly care. It was like I channelled my frustration into anger. "Well… I'm going to go back inside… see you round." And with that she left. But it was that same emotionless tone that remained ringing in my ears. It hurt a little, but I was practically asking for it. For the first time in a couple of years, she was actually kind towards me and I just shoved it back into her face.

Thinking I may have picked up some sort of illness, I trudged back into the house, cold and tired. Getting upstairs, I found my room messy but what did I really expect off Tegan? Really, I didn't want to clean up after her mess but it wasn't like she'd do it… even if I asked her nicely. I hated Tegan for that. I changed my sheets too. It seemed wasteful two days in a row but I just liked my things to be truly mine.

I stepped a little closer to her door. My bare feet shuffled across the carpet until my toes were virtually touching the bottom. I knocked twice. "Tegan?" I whispered. There was no reply. I wanted to say sorry for my earlier behaviour. Last thing I needed was angst between us. I knocked again but harder. She still didn't answer. I gently twisted handle and lightly pushed the door just so I could see inside. "Tegan?" I whispered again hoping she'd say something. Maybe she was mad at me… I continued to push the door until I could fully see inside. She was asleep. A stream of light cut between the curtains causing the glow to dance on her pale complexion. I crept closer to her, curious. I brushed my fingertips gently against her shoulder blade faintly caressing the soft skin that lay there. At that moment her eyelashes fluttered. I bounced back and tipped on a belt which was so conveniently thrown on her floor.

She sprang up, her eyes opened wide and glared at me flailing in the dirty clothes. I scurried away as quick as I could, sprinting to my room and closing the door but she was too fast. She kicked it open and her hand found its way to my neck, grasping it tightly. She threw me onto my bed and pinned me down. Despite my karate trophies, Tegan was always a lot stronger. She threw a punch hard at my face "Why were you in my room Sara?" She screamed sending another fist hard into my cheek. I spluttered not being able to form a sentence. "I said…" She sent another critical hit "Why were you in my room." She moved the hand that was pinning my shoulder down and grabbed the collar of my shirt so she was raising me slightly. "I- I" I still couldn't say anything. I figured it was probably the shock. She thumped me for a fourth time "Sara!" I lunged forward. I can't even explain why, it was more of an impulse. Practically as soon as my lips touched hers, she drilled her fist into my face for a final time. "What the fuck!" she yelled. Then she dropped me just so that my head hit the wall hard. She climbed off me and slammed the door on her way out. I was so physically exhausted that when I tried to get up, I collapsed on the floor, twisting my ankle doing so. Not being able to take the impact in that moment, I let my eyes slowly drift shut and I buried myself into the carpet on my bedroom floor.

A wave of nausea passed over me as I faded back into the world. Pain pulsated throughout my entire body. My head throbbed like crazy and right now, my best option was to get up. I grabbed onto the bed and hauled myself onto my feet. My ankle gave way beneath me causing me to remember my earlier tumble.

I limped to the bathroom holding onto all the furniture I could in the process. Finally getting there, I had a chance to examine myself. My ankle was severely swollen and quite heavily bruised. My hair was tangled, knotted and I was fairly certain chunks had fallen out. My face was a state. Shades of purple covered my cheeks and eye areas. Everything was sore and small scratches where nails had previously dug-in covered my neck and shoulders. I turned to the shower and shut on the water. Dragging myself in, I leant against the wall so I wouldn't have to put much pressure on my foot. I just let the boiling water cascade down my body, soothing the pain ever so slightly. The water below me turned a light red colour from the dried blood in my hair. I assumed it had come from where my head had hit the wall. It certainly hurt enough. I only got out when I began to feel faint from the lack of oxygen in my lungs and my skin had turned bright pink.

Covered only in a towel, I staggered back to my room. I didn't want to deal with life right now. Everything just hurt and it wasn't going to get much better any quicker. At some point, mom would find out but I couldn't rat Tegan out. If I did that, then she'd just beat me up even more. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I ran my fingers over my wounds and winced. I still felt sick. I wanted to vomit but it would be too much effort to go back to the bathroom.

After the majority of my body had dried, I did the best I could to put on some pyjamas. Unable to support myself for very long, I only managed to put on a shirt and a pair of old boy shorts, before my ankle decided to stop working all together. Falling back into bed, I tied her hair back and lay down, wrapping myself in the soft bedding. I could only put myself into a position facing the wall because that's the only way I didn't hurt. I couple of tears rolled down my cheeks but I quickly shut my eyes to stop their exit. "Not now Sara. Not now," I whispered to myself before getting my breathing patterns at a healthy rate.

Just as I was floating into sleep, I heard my door open behind me. I didn't want to turn in case it was mom. Then she'd get full view of my face. Saying that, I also didn't want to move because I was so overwhelmed with physical fatigue, I honestly couldn't give a fuck. "Sara?" A gentle voice escaped into my room. The sound of her light footsteps grew closer and her presence became more unnoticeable. "Sara?" Her voice cracked. It sounded like she'd been crying or just about to. I didn't dare move. Pretending to be asleep, I stayed as still as I could, feeling the growing sense of someone else's body. She sat on the bed on the side closer to my head. Thank god I was facing the wall. "I'm so sorry." Now she did sound like she was crying. Tegan. I felt like holding her hand in comfort but it was too late now. She got up again and just when I thought she was leaving, I felt her warm breath near my ear. She delicately kissed my temple. "Sorry Sara." She went away then, slowly closing my door on the way out. At least she didn't slam it this time. I questioned the kiss in my mind. It was so gentle it was like she barely even touched me. And I thought it was cute how when she said 'sorry' it sounded like 'surry'. It probably didn't help that I had close to the exact same accent. The previous events burning in my skull, I finally fell into the much needed sleep.


	2. I've got nowhere to go

**Okay so, this is like the actual story (storey) but I thought that it needed a bit of history. I apologize in advance for any spelling/grammar mistakes. And… enjoy (:**

Chapter 1

"_SLEEPOVER!" Tegan flung herself effortlessly onto my bed. She smiled back at me in excitement. I frowned at her from across the room, irritated from having to depart my focus from my book. I stood up placing the article of literature back on its shelf. "Not tonight Tegan. I'm tired as it is. I'm not in the mood for staying up all night." Her face dropped a little but I could tell she wasn't going to let this go without a fight. _

"_Come on Sasa. It'll be fun. Besides, it's not like you have anything better to do." I looked around my room examining it slowly. There was plenty for me to do. I had a healthy collection of books spread out in various places. I had my guitar. And when in doubt, there was also Super Mario Kart. "Look, Teegs, I was just about to go to bed anyway." She paused slightly, running her fingers through her perfect hair. "Okay then. I'll join you." My heart suddenly shot up to my throat. I found myself rather taken back by the statement. _

_I gave up. I wasn't going to win this one. "Where are you going to sleep?" I sighed. "In bed," She smiled down at her current placement. I suddenly felt angry. She was requesting that she slept in my room and just expected me to sleep on the floor. I tried to keep calm and collected. "And where am I going to sleep?" I snapped a little. "In bed," She replied. I felt my heart stop for a second time. Was it really her saying these things? _

"_Right," I scratched my head awkwardly contemplating the situation. We were both already in pyjamas so we didn't have to deal with the uncomfortable parade of getting changed. She was already in my bed. And I was just stood idiotically in front of her. She gestured me to get in. She had her back to the wall which meant I had to go on the outside. I think it was just assumed we wouldn't sleep at either ends. _

_It was difficult sharing a single bed. After deciding to sleep face to face to avoid accidental spooning, I got in. We ended up being much closer to one another than either of us had anticipated. I immediately started sweating as the warmth from the bed mixed with Tegan's body heat. I could feel her breath faintly against my skin. I shut my eyes trying not to look at her which would be met with certain discomfort. _

"_Sara?" she whispered lightly. I could tell this was the beginning of one of her traps where she'd make me stay up all night talking. "Yes?" I opened my eyes and hers were already fixed in front of me. "Do you remember, like, a few weeks ago, when I beat you up?" There was a hint of guilt in her tone. I thought about all my possible answers '_how could I forget_?' or '_yeah, that time I could barely walk? Yes, I remember that Tegan._' But I didn't want her to dwell on those feelings too much because I'd never hear the end of it. So I decided my answer would be a simple "Yeah." I heard her swallow hard choking back some sort of sentence. "Well… ever since… I've been wanting to try something." I was perplexed by what she said wondering what it was she was planning to do. "Right?" I probably sounded partially sarcastic. "Don't move." Her voice rang mercilessly in my ears. _

_She shifted so her hands touched gently to either sides of my neck. Her fingertips brushed against my hair as it tumbled over my shoulders. Her lips trembled and she fought back the shivers by chewing on her bottom lip. To my shock, she began to inch closer and that's when I realised there was nothing I could do. I froze. I just wanted to run away to where no one could find me. Everything in my body screamed for me to escape but I couldn't find the will to move. She applied moisture to her lips before pressing gently at the corner of my mouth. I didn't retaliate… I didn't do anything… I didn't know what to do. She rested her forehead on mine for a moment before she began to retreat._

_Suddenly I found myself prematurely adjusting to the situation. I felt bad... awful, in fact. Knowing that she was probably beating herself up inside, hurt me even more. Just before she removed her hands from my skin, I extended my neck so that our lips where touching once more. I returned the previous gesture with more compassion than I did on the first take. Her grasp on my jaw line became more pressured and we gently relaxed into each other. I withdrew, taking in breath harshly. I sighed and felt my body distancing. "Goodnight Tegan."_

* * *

I lay awake staring blankly at the hotel ceiling that hovered above me. We'd been touring for a month and I already felt completely exhausted. You would've thought that after five years, touring would've gotten easier. I just thought of my home back in Montreal, where my sanctuary was. I always felt solitude when I was there, whereas touring was so relentless. It was nice to have that contrast; something to look forward to; like light at the end of the tunnel. My stomach churned which brought me to remember my earlier outburst in which no dinner was consumed.

I heard a knock on the door. I had no idea how long I'd been zoned out for. The knock repeated itself, more insistent. I stretched out a little, considering not answering the door at all. The knock occurred for a third time and I decided it would be rude not to see who it was in case it was important. I found myself slightly shorter than the looking hole so I just unchained the door with the careless assumption it wasn't a serial killer on the other side.

Tegan stood there clutching her elbow with one arm while the other hand had her pants in a tight grasp. Her eyes were puffy and she looked completely vulnerable and defenceless. "Sar?" It was barely a whisper. Her voice cracked and she seemed so extremely fragile. She shook weirdly making her look as if she was going to collapse any second. I reached out my arms and let her fall into me as her emotions took over. She burst into tears and clung onto me for dear life. I ushered her into my room, having to pull her inside. She never let go for a second. Her knuckles were white with my shirt balled between her fingers. Her head was buried in my chest which made her hair tickle my face slightly. I was worried to say the least. I'd never seen her like this before and it was more unlikely that she came to me. Tegan cried considerably more than I did but we didn't do it in front of each other very often.

Tegan tried to explain herself multiple times but ended up stumbling on her words and becoming moderately more frustrated with herself. "Tegan," I said calmly rubbing small circles on her back in doing so, "you don't have to say anything. You can sleep in here tonight if you really want to." I had to sit with her for a while until the crying reduced in intensity. I could see her choking back tears but she was intent on lying down. I joined her opposite in the cramped bed, gently watching her in the darkness. I trailed my fingertips down her arms until I found her hand, where our finger entwined. "It'll be okay Tegan." I whispered, planting a soft kiss of her forehead before letting myself sleep.

I awoke to the sound of a shower humming nearby. My head reeled as I remembered the events of the previous night. I could still feel a slight emptiness from the absence of Tegan's hand in mine. I crawled out of bed discovering I'd slept fully clothed, again. My feet shuffled over to the bathroom and I pressed my ear against the door lightly. The intricate sobs coming from inside, made my heart jerk in my chest. _Tegan_.

The band met at the van, giving us a chance to catch up on the 12 hours we'd missed each other's company. I kept quiet about Tegan. Especially the fact that she'd slept in my bed. I probably shouldn't have left her in my room but I felt leaving her a note was enough to grant the permission of her privacy. She came out into the main group with her eyes shielded by shade. On the outset, she looked happy smiling along to Ted's anecdotes but I could tell it was a mask. I also knew that the skin around her eyes was sensitive and she'd probably been crying all morning, excluding the incident in the shower.

The journey wasn't too bad. It was hot and stuffy but you get used to that after the first two years or so. I got to catch up on a bit of reading, which was always a good thing. I tried my best to keep an eye on Tegan, glancing over her way from time to time. She seemed to sleep for the majority of it but it was hard to tell how she was feeling. It would be unlikely for her to cry in front of all of us but then again, she was wearing sunglasses so it would be easy to hide tears. I was genuinely worried for her. A part of me felt like I should put all my efforts into making her feel better but another part of me, punched me in the gut and told me she was old enough to look after herself.

Falling out the van, we were quickly whisked away into another hotel and sent up to our rooms. We didn't have a show tonight, which was good but we couldn't get flights home until tomorrow, so, we had to stay in a hotel. It was a nice hotel too. I kept my case in the van which probably wasn't the best idea but the room had a hairdryer and I figured I could just stay in my clothes. I didn't need anything else. Obviously, I kept reading material and a toothbrush but that was it. I was looking forward to going home in all honesty. I was staying at Tegan's tomorrow night; then I'd be getting a flight to Montreal; home. Breaks from touring were always my favorite.

We'd picked up a couple of beers from a gas station on the way over so I took it upon myself to attack one of them with the hotel's bottle opener. It was still lightly chilled and it hadn't gone flat yet. Tonight was going to be fun. I propped my feet up in the chair and relaxed a little. This room didn't have a TV, so I put on some music. _Oh Bruce, you understand me like no one else does_.

A repetitive tap distracted me from my tranquillity. _Who the fuck is it this time. _I found Tegan innocently stood in the hall. "Can I come in?" I let her in, sighing. I wanted to be nice, but I just wanted some time to myself. _Two days Sara… patience_. "Want a beer?" I said, opening one before she could reply anyway. I sat back in the chair while she took place on the end of the bed.

"What do want Teetee?" I smiled trying to be as polite as I could. "Oh, just company." She smiled. The desperation in the back on her throat whispered through the air.

"Your elbow-patches look stupid." I turned to Tegan seeing her chuckle to herself. I looked down at the familiar blue jacket. I fucking loved this jacket. "Well… your Alice Cooper hair cut looks stupid." She retorted a little. "Oh come on! It doesn't even look like that anymore." I lay back further in the chair, smirking. "That's debatable." Tegan scowled playfully until she couldn't hold back the giggles any longer, but her smile slowly faded and she looked down into her bottle. Not knowing what to do, I did the same not drawing attention to myself.

I wanted any excuse I could think of to break the silence. "So… um… Tegan?" She looked up emotionless forcing me to continue. "Why did you come here?" She stumbled on her words a little bit trying to figure out what to say. "I... I came to say thank you… for last night." A gentle smile formed onto my face "there's no need to say thank you." I stood up out the chair gesturing my arms for a hug.

Her eyes looked tearful but she soon joined me in the embrace. Her arms encircled me perfectly as her head buried into my neck.

Just as she was pulling away, her lips brushed ever so slightly against mine. She looked firmly into my eyes. My breathing became heavy as I pieced together what was about to happen. Everything in my body screamed for me to get away but I didn't want to… _I didn't want to_.

She pushed her head forward. The kiss wasn't as hard as I expected. Her hands fell to my waist holding me. Mine did the same, copying her motions. She pulled away, chewing on her labret, but she quickly hurried to my neck adding moisture to the skin. I looked dead ahead of me not particularly focusing on what she was doing. Her breath was sharp. Her hands traced along my abdomen until she grasped the button on my jeans. She was quick in undoing it but I grabbed her forearms hard before she could carry on. She panted, looking confused, where I could only present blankness. "This isn't working."

I didn't feel anything. Her breathing settled and she nodded solemnly. Her eyes didn't meet me at all as she stepped away from me. With her exit came no words… just the sound of the hotel door closing behind her.

I sat on the end of the bed where Tegan had been not too long ago. I cradled my head in my hands. _Well done Sara_. It wasn't that I didn't like Tegan… just, every time she touched me, my feelings fade and it's like panic completely consumes me. I was scared. Terrified, even. I'd never dwelled too much on it because my thoughts scared the shit out of me sometimes. It was just that… Tegan was the only person I knew could ever properly break my heart.

I woke up trembling as my body flailed under a light draft. My eyes darted towards the window. Rain pounded upon it causing the effect of what sounded like artillery fire. I sat up and rubbed my eyes and sighed from the loud noise echoing around my room. I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep now. I padded over to the window, limping a little as my legs adjusted to being used again. The only thing I could see was the parking lot. Looking closer, I noticed an unmistakeable figure stood perfectly still. It was Tegan. She would catch her death in this weather…

I quickly pulled on my converse and ran out to the hotel reception. I got various looks from people rushing to the door, throwing myself mindlessly outside. The rain drenched me instantly. My lack of waterproofs probably didn't help either. I pelted around the building until I reached the outside of my window. Tegan. She had her back to me; just staring out in front. "Tegan! What are you doing out here?" I yelled. I wasn't so much as angry but more concerned as to why she was here.

She didn't respond so I hurried towards her, grabbing her shoulders and turning her around. She was a mess. If it wasn't for her violent sobbing, I wouldn't have realised she was crying. "Tegan?" I screamed unintentionally but I didn't really know what to do. "I don't want to fucking pretend anymore," she screamed back with twice as much force, "And don't fucking lie to me Sara, because I know you feel it too. Don't shy away from it." Her voice cracked as she sobbed between words. My heart burned in my chest as tears rolled silently down my cheeks. She suddenly grasped the back and of my neck tightly and pulled me onto her. It wasn't soft or sentimental but every inch of my body tingled. The kiss deepened and I found myself becoming completely hopeless.

She let go and walked off into the rain. I gasped with her sudden absence from my lips. _I love you_.


	3. I only get up for you

**I'm sorry this one took so long to upload. I would write a sentence and then not be able to write anything else or a couple of days. This chapter was a bitch to write. All right, enjoy your-cray-little-selves. **

Chapter 2

_Montreal did me some good. I ended up not staying with Tegan. It didn't feel right. But I'd had some time to think. All the times in the past where Tegan's hand had brushed against my leg, I hadn't realised why I would immediately jerk myself away. I'd avoided her for long periods of my life. And why? Because I didn't want to feel these things. But I couldn't help it. I'd refused her closeness more times than I could count but I'd always had my moments of weakness. Sometimes, in interviews, I'd put my hand at her side but the jean fabric on Tegan's pants against my skin made my heart spark in my chest. And her smile always made me smile. It was comforting. I'd never realised up until this point. It seems stupid now thinking about it. I figured the way I panicked when she was close to me, meant that I didn't actually want those things. But the truth of the matter is that I do want those things. I've always wanted those things. _

We were heading into Europe for the next part of the tour. Starting in England and working our way around. We weren't in the van for this one, which meant people would be in better moods for longer. In the van, you generally start to feel gross very early on.

The packing process was always huge for me. I didn't want too much luggage because then it's too much effort to carry around. I'd had to lay everything out on my bed and packed it into my suitcase with precision. I also had to plan reading material and other things to kill time on the road. That was an important thing for me. Learning from past mistakes, I made sure I had sufficient amounts of undergarments and t-shirts. You run out of them, you're screwed. Or, at least that's my personal opinion. Tegan would probably say different.

I decided to do things differently this time and get a flight directly from Montreal to London, England. The band usually met up somewhere together and we'd all get on the same plane but honestly, I just wanted the extra day at home. The journey was lonely but I slept for most of it. I kept worrying about seeing Tegan. Even though we hadn't been apart for very long, we'd ended on awkward terms so it wasn't going to be easy.

After shenanigans at the airport, I got a cab to the tour bus location. Earlier, they'd probably dealt with packing it and such so I had to go and meet them, which was perfectly understandable. I'd never done anything like this before. I wasn't one to make much of a fuss but things would be easier for me this way… with Tegan. I did what I could to clear my head so that I didn't get too panicked. I tuned my focus to the lights of the city. Cities were always more beautiful at night.

The tyres hummed against the tar as the vehicle halted. I gave the driver small change as I hadn't yet had chance to properly get any English currency. It was lucky that I only just had enough to pay the fare. I got out and watched as the car slowly drove away. I turned head on to the bus. I had nothing left to lose.

I tugged open the door with more effort than necessary. First of all, I put my bags at the end of the bus near the bunks before looking around. Everyone had gone; probably out celebrating the start of a new tour. Just then, I felt two arms wrap around my waist and a warm body nudge itself into my back. At first, I froze, but the sound of her voice immediately relaxed me. "Hey Sasa." I could feel her smiling. Before she could bury her chin deeper into my shoulder, I turned round to face her. She released me from the embrace and backed up so that I could see her properly. Her smile was beautiful. "I missed you," She whispered looking down at her feet, "look, maybe we should-"

"No. We don't need to talk." I whispered gently weaving our fingers together. I made sure my voice was certain but I couldn't help but let out a sigh. She inched her face close the mine but just held herself there for a moment. She was hesitating. I could hear the tremble in the back of her throat and her palms sweating in my hold. She bit down on her lip to hide the nerves. "It's okay Tee." I closed the remaining centimetres between us, having to raise my head slightly. The gentle footsteps of Tegan's tears crept onto my face. I guided ever so slightly while she relaxed into the situation.

Tegan released her hands from mine and touched softly to my jaw line. I snaked my arms to rest upon her waist, pushing us closer. Soon, she moved to the back of my neck, where her fingers curled into my hair. It almost made me shudder. Chills ran down my spine pulsing at where Tegan's cold finger tips lightly stroked my skin.

I extended my arms but kept a hold of her waist so that she was arms length away from me. I like the look on her face when I tease. Sort of like a seductive anger. She lunged forward suddenly, and caught my bottom lip with her teeth. I could help but smile as she whimsically snarled, chewing on it slightly. In pulling away, she noticed blood from where her incisors had over indulged. Deciding to retaliate, I did the same with twice as much force. She winced and let out a deep whine but I didn't withdraw as quickly as she wanted me to. Fortunately, I hadn't made her bleed but we couldn't help but giggle at our subtle insolence.

"Want a drink?" Tegan waltzed over to the kitchen area and retrieved a bottle of wine. She smiled teasingly towards me, pouring out two drinks before I could respond. Handing me the glass, she gave me a quick kiss to my upper lip and then sat down at the table. I sat next to her rather than opposite, somewhat needing the closeness. "What is this? Merlot?" I ask, sipping at the crimson liquid. Tegan looked at me blankly for a minute, indicating that not only did she not care, but she genuinely had no idea. I played with my glass a little before coming to the decision that I wanted to kiss Tegan again. Without saying anything, I placed my hand in her inner thigh and used that to hoist myself onto her lips.

I circled the pad of my thumb on her thigh before shifting my hand higher up her leg. She let out a gasp, taking her hand to clutch the back of my neck again. I went to the button on her jeans, swiftly undoing it. She smiled on my lips and giggled in the back of her throat. I slid my hand inside, cupping her. She rocked ever so slightly against my hand as I made circular motions with my fingers. She threw her head back, allowing me access to her neck. She flinched when I sucked on the skin under her jaw line, which just encouraged me to bite tenderly. I loved her small reactions to things.

She suddenly gripped my forearm, steadily attempting to catch her breath. "The bunks." She whispered, removing my hand from the contents of her jeans. I held her hand whilst leading her to the back of the bus, where we gazed in wonderment at one another for a few short moments. "Your bunk? Or mine?" She asked seductively, curling a strand of hair with her finger._ Looks like she's going for the vulnerable approach_. I slid my hands around her waist and pulled my face close to her ear. "I don't really care" I whispered in my best enticing voice.

Just then, my arm was pulled sharply into the bunk before I even had time to breathe. Tegan giggled hard at her actions. I laughed with her, trying to pull the curtains closed behind us. Tegan pushed herself against the wall as much as she could to make more space. We were on our sides lying face to face and I couldn't help but chew on my bottom lip to hide my shaking. Then, without saying anything, she took of her shirt and pushed it to our feet. As for me, she gently slid her fingertips under the hem, taking in my abdomen before lifting the article over my head. Taking the chance, I went to her pants, less romantically than she was with my shirt. Then I just pushed them down her thighs before doing the same with my own. It was unspoken, but I think it was assumed we'd stay in our underwear. Just in case anyone was to come in the bus. She forced her head forward to touch my lips. Her intensions were obvious, so I did the same, meeting her halfway.

She slipped her hand inside my boxers, allowing a gasp to escape my throat. She thrust two fingers inside me in a repetitive motion. I moaned louder than I anticipated. I turned my concentration to her. I pushed my fingers into her boxers and copied her so we were in sync. After building up a steady rhythm, we kept our faces close to one another so that they were continuously touching. I could sense myself approaching climax, so I sped up until she tightened around my fingers. I shuddered as warmth passed through my core, riding out my orgasm. Tegan was a lot louder than I was but gradually came to heavy breathing.

After we'd both started to relax, I brought my fingers up to her mouth letting her lick them clean. I put them in my mouth afterwards, removing the stickiness from my palm. I watched as she sucked on her own fingers, taking away evidence of me. Once she'd finished, she wrapped her arms tightly around my waist and kissed the end of my nose. Her smile always gave me a sense of security.

She then turned us around so that I was closer to the wall. "It's kind of stuffy in here," she chuckled, "Wanna go get some air?" She grabbed my hand as we climbed into the cool air of the bus. We tugged our pants back up our legs and fastened them. Just before she had a chance to get her shirt, I dived in and sucked at her collarbone. The skin on her back felt soft against my fingers… almost untouched. I then gave her access to her shirt and joined her. She opened the door of the bus and stepped outside into the cool night air. I shortly followed, having the sense to grab a jacket on my way out.

She leant against the side, exhaling deeply and looking out in front of her. I took place by her side, enjoying the warmth of my hoodie contrasting with the cold breeze hitting my face. We stood in silence for a bit, taking advantage of the oxygen around us. "You don't know how long I've waited to do that." She smiled, building a blush on her complexion. I chuckled at the comment, taking in everything that had just happened in the past hour. "I hadn't initially been waiting for it," I looked down to my feet, avoiding her gaze, suddenly regretting my honesty. Tegan laced our fingers together before touching my cheek with her other hand. Her eyes had gained that unreadable emotion again, almost as if she didn't want me to know how she was feeling. "I'm yours Tegan… only yours." I felt so vulnerable saying those words. It was the first time I'd felt like I'd truly given myself up to her. I always hated feeling weak and not in control of myself, which was probably why I'd distanced myself from Tegan for so long. She generally had that effect on me. Her reactions were so much different to mine. She held my gaze for a moment but gently kissed my forehead before pulling me back inside the bus. "I know," she whispered, tightening her grip on my hand.


End file.
